So, we're saying goodbye to summer and all of that, and I feel like I'm crashing into Fall. It's like I've got a parachute, but I'm just floating all over the place. A little bit here, a little bit there. Sheesh. Can I get a direction already?
I'm not particularly liking the way this current time-frame is feeling... so, I thought I'd be a little bit constructive with this month's 5 Things. My creativity has blustered off on a completely different path with its own parachute, so... yeah. I was going somewhere with that. I promise.
This blog was originally started to help me find me again, and there are some days I still find myself lost altogether. I'm not going to lie. Some days it's manageable, other days, I just want to crawl under the covers on my bed and hide.
I have a little Peanut that depends on me, and Mr. Sparkle wouldn't take too kindly to that. He didn't sign up for ostrich duty. SO... we carry on. Because it's all you can do sometimes.
This month, I'm skipping the good, ditching the bad, and heading straight for the downright ugly.
1. I can be a critical person, but I dislike being critiqued. I'm bad at being critiqued. I missed that class when we learned how to deal with critiques. It's annoying, and I know others are annoyed by it. I'm sensitive. Heart on my sleeve and all that, and I take things personally when you're not supposed to.
2. I'm the youngest of 2. I'm
3. My self-esteem is either really great, or extremely low. I'm either the most awesomest person you've ever met, or I suck and so does everything I do. I might be the best mom, but I'm the worst wife... or, I'm a sweet daughter, but a crap sister. At times, life seems so black and white, and I can't find the middle ground.
4. Improving myself is very important to me. I truly believe that we're constantly learning, changing, growing, understanding, failing, and falling, but also getting right back up again. Journey, people. It's the journey...
...and it's not always fun.
5. I get stuck in Procrastination Station. A Lot. Like right now... I'm just... stuck.
There are times it might seem like I have all my shit together, but in all reality, no one does. BUT... I really don't want to dwell on the negative... I try so hard to make this blog a place of inspiration. A place for positivity. I want to find a way to take the negative and turn it into something POSITIVE. That's very important to me, as well.
SO, All of that being said... here's a couple ideas and things I've come up with to try and REMEDY some of these issues. I know that it's not going to be an overnight thing. Hell, it took me 32 years to get to right now, so it's gonna take a little time. But, bear with me, okay? Please?
1. Critiques don't have to be negative. Instead of getting defensive and saying, "How dare you!" I will LISTEN to what's being said COMPLETELY before sending out for reinforcements. Also, instead of reacting immediately, I will PROCESS what's being said in context before I react flippantly and freak the freak out.
2. I could say that I've been allowed to be selfish for far too long, but that wouldn't be fair at all. It's not up to other people to make me into a more selfless person. It's up to me. I have a couple ideas coming up on how to hold myself accountable, and it starts with TRYING. TRY. TRY. TRY. TRY. TRY. Thoughts and Ideas are great... but it's putting them into practice... not just thinking them that makes it a sweet gesture. I mean, really? That's just stupid. Shame on me.
3. A healthy self-esteem would be awesome. Being such a boomerang has given me whiplash. I can't even imagine what it's done to everyone around me. "That's just Sarah" is no longer an acceptable excuse, peeps. I'm not royalty because my name means Princess, and I'm not worthless just because someone is upset with me. balance, Balance, BALANCE. I'm trying soooooooooo hard to find mine.
4. I'm trying, I swear. There are days I feel great about the progress I've made, and days I feel like I f*ck it all up consistently. I'm going to make mistakes, I just wish I didn't make the same ones over and over again. In the same regard, I'm never going to be perfect. I just wish I could be... Better. You know?
5. You know that scene in the Matrix when Keanu Reeves is stuck in that loop of a station? That's how I feel. I try to pick up one area of my life, and the rest falls apart, and I'm back where I started. I fix another part of my life, only to let everything else drop, rinse and repeat. Somedays I really feel like I'm never going to get it all together. How can you without a direction? You TRY. TRY. TRY. TRY. TRY. ANYTHING. EVERYTHING. Just not NOTHING. It's the only way I can see to remedy the problem.
Okay, so let me get all superhonest up in here for a minute... A lot of blogs I follow are written by bloggers who suffer from depression. (Some medicated, others not.) Lately, I'm not so sure if I'm suffering from depression, or suffering from lack-of-knowing-what-the-f-to-do-with-the-rest-of-my-life-itis. Maybe the medicine isn't working. Maybe I don't need it anymore, maybe I never needed it. I don't know.
It's like, the older I get, the less I'm sure of. When I was 21, I was going to be Editor of Cosmo, live fabulously in New York, you know, the whole bit.
That was the farthest I ever envisioned myself, and I'm so nawt there. But, that's the thing, and I tend to keep forgetting it. It was never really about the destination. It's been the journey all along. It's who we spend it with, the time we spend, the moments we share. A journey can't happen if you're standing still. You'll never arrive at your destination if you don't start moving. Objects at rest... you know.
I've been standing still for WAY too long.
It's time to try.